Couples learning languages need R.E.S.P.E.C.T

Extracts from a reflective practitioner's diary 

Just before the Christmas break I was chatting to our learners about their ‘experience’ so far. Simon, who is learning Spanish to speak to his partner’s family when they visit next spring, mentioned a problem he is having.

 Simon’s partner is Argentine and the two have been practising Spanish together at home.

 “He corrects every other word I say, my accent must be terrible..” Simon laments.

 “I’ve told him Nuria doesn’t keep correcting me like that. This isn’t going to work!”

Simon went on to tell us that when Hugo came to the UK several years ago, he spoke no English. Simon supported him in his efforts to become fluent. But clearly that struggle has become a distant memory. He feels let down!

Simon has hit on a common problem.

Language is at the heart of who we are

Language is at the heart of who we are, how we feel about ourselves, our mirror-image self. Putting yourself ‘out there’ and laying yourself bear to learning, can sometimes seem a lonely and vulnerable place to be. The situation can provoke new sensibilities which may nibble at the pre-existing balances achieved within the couple’s relationship. Remember those Christmas family board games?

Where both partners have a shared interest in the new language, other delicate aspirations come into play.

Take the case of Emma and Jake. They longed for their place in the sun and a slice of la dolce vita on the Adriatic coast. Once they’d located their holiday home, they called in the builders, put their own stamp on their ‘casa colonica’ and began to settle into their new community. Emma’s years of language study paid off and not before long she was confident and competent on their weekends abroad. Work had made learning difficult for Jake and he soon dropped out of Post-Beginners’ Italian. Of the two, she became the ‘mediator’ in Italy, this was her accepted role. Their two children, Dan and Maia, also took to Italian. As they grew, they became comfortable weaving in and out of both languages. Dad’s few attempts at communicating with the locals became fewer and fewer. By then he had carved out a bit of a court jester’s role, at best good for a laugh, at worst embarrassing.

But the day came when the kids had grown up and Emma and Jake decided they would spend longer periods in Italy. So for Jake it became time to take up the challenge. 

As Jake was continuing to work a full week, he decided it would be best to go back to the beginning and fast-track through the basics, to set a realistic and achievable target. He knew he wanted a personalised route, but he was not ready for a classroom environment. He was still apprehensive; could he do it, did he really have what he’d need to learn Italian? With his partner’s support, he opted for a Skype programme he could do consistently from work; he aimed to learn to cope in everyday situations by his next stay in Italy. He had avoided socialising ‘solo’, so he wanted to take his neighbour Giovanni to the local wine outlet to stock up for the summer. He hoped to go to the local tennis ‘Circolo’ and book a lesson without having to ask for Emma’s help. He wanted to be able to face La Signora Biagi, the receptionist at the Doctor’s surgery, single-handedly.

Working with his trainer on a regular basis, Jake has gradually built confidence in himself, he needed to know he could still learn. He has begun to dismantle the barrier he’d unwittingly erected and above all earn his family’s respect for his commitment to learning Italian.

• Ask for respect and support in achieving your learning aims by recognising them, verbalising them and sharing them with those around you. Ask them to help you.
• Set short realistic outcomes and demonstrate how serious and committed you are to achieving them.
• You will be putting yourself on the line when you learn a language, you cannot learn without being challenged and sometimes this can feel overpowering, or that you are ‘plateauing’ from time to time. You may experience a feeling of failure, this is normal, so make sure your support group, your trainer, your partner, your family know how you feel. You will get through!

Push through the plateaus with help from your friends, it is how you will succeed.

Read on > We're starting a blog: tell us what you need!

Read on > New Year New Start: make your goals your mission